Top 11 Nostalgia Critic F*** Ups Part 3
NC: You've read the title. You all know what's coming. Douchy McNitpick: Doh! Nostalgia Critic. You are ... NC: ... scrotum of existence? Douchy: And you ... NC: ... made some more fuck-ups? Douchy: And I'm ... NC: ... here to point them out? Douchy: Hey, you're pretty good at this. NC: Maybe I should be my own troll. Douchy: NOOO!!! All I will have left then is leaving comments on Youtube! That's where today's real philosophers are! NC: Shall we gear up for Part 3? Douchy: Yes. This is the Top 11 Nostalgia Critic Fuck-Ups, Part 3: Revenge of the Shit. NC: Wouldn't that technically be "Return of the Jedi"? Douchy: NO! How come everyone always makes that mistake? "Return of the Jedi" is part 6! "Revenge of the Sith" is part 3! Just because it came out 6th doesn't mean... NC: Oh, God, just get on with it! (Intro video plays with Ren and Stimpy footage of a yak going crazy, set to Weird Al's "Everything You Know is Wrong" before the first entry of the list is shown) NC (vo): Number 11. Douchy (vo): Your countless Disneycember fuck-ups. (NOTE: Accompanying text for every entry Douchey lists will appear each time) NC (vo): OK. I'm going a litte bit out of character here just to talk about the few mistakes I've made in Disneycember. Granted, most of it is nitpicking, but that's why we're here. I'll go through the ones that were brought up the most. In my "Aristocats" review, I say that the butler is going to inherit the cats and he wants to get rid of them because he hates cats. Well, technically that's true, except I forgot to mention that the cats were going to inherit all the riches, and once they're out of the picture, the butler will inherit the money. OK, does that really make the film any stronger? I guess it gives him more reason to kill them, but who leaves money to cats? It's still stupid! Next is in both "Rescuers" movies when I say that Miss Bianca is played by Zsa Zsa Gabor when actually it was her sister, Eva Gabor. Honestly, I'm just impressed my fanbase knew who either of these women were. I must have more "Green Acres" fans than I thought. Another is that I say the friends in "A Goofy Movie" are going to a concert when really they were just watching it at home. It was just Max who was going to appear at the concert on TV. Again, minor mess-up. But the one that people really freaked out over was when I called the leopard in "Tarzan" a cheetah. Guess I never knew people were so feline-savvy. But yes, that would make this kitty a leopard. It's a cat, it has spots, whatever. NC: Again, minor mess-up, but they're worth bringing up. Douchy: Minor?! How would you like it if I called these things: (picture of a duck) a rabbit, (picture of a giraffe) a turtle, (picture of Matthew Broderick Super Bowl commercial) a good Super Bowl campaign? NC: I wouldn't care. Douchy: I WOULD!!! (Interlude to the next entry) NC (vo): Number 10 Douchy (vo): Psychiatrists do have to go to medical school, you ass of an ox! NC (vo): I think most people knew what I meant by this, but it is still technically a fuck-up. What I was referring to in my "Patch Adams" review was that the character they were portraying would be much better learning to be a psychiatrist as opposed to a doctor who performs medical operations. But, either way, you still gotta go to medical school, which I reacted to strangely when I heard he was to in the movie. I didn't mean to indicate that psychiatrists aren't doctors. They still have to know the biological, psychological, and social aspects of the patient. That way, they can tell if the problem is metabolic or psychiatric. I was referring more that a man who does nothing but act like Bozo the Jackass would be more fitted away from the sharp medical tools unless they were being used to stab him. I'm also told that bedside manner wasn't at its best, even back then. But I still have my doubts that the way these doctors talk was the norm. I mean, they were pretty much saying that all doctors back then were acting like... Douchy: DOOOH!!! NC: (points, referring to Douchy) That. NC (vo): And that just doesn't seem as logical. Wouldn't it make more sense if you're a nice doctor that you get more patients who would WANT to come see you and they would prefer you over doctors who are mean? Did Patch Adams really come and transform this? I have my suspicions, but who I am to talk about a time period when I wasn't even a sperm yet? NC: On the plus side, at least we don't have to put up with that horrible Dr. Bitch Spasms again. (Beat) Yeah, I bet you thought he was gonna come in and do something funny, but nope! I shot him! He's dead! He's right there lying on the floor. (Beat) I really should do something about that corpse. (Interlude to the next entry) NC (vo): Number 9 Douchy (vo): You shouldn't review Thomas the Tank Engine if you haven't seen the show. NC (vo): OK, look. I made it very clear that I never saw this show. I was only reviewing the movie based on the fact that a lot of people wanted me to review it. And for the most part, people liked it. But to all those people saying I need to see the show before I judge the movie... NC: I'm here to make jokes. Calm the fuck down. NC (vo): I've reviewed movies based on shows that I've never seen before like the "Pokemon" movie, "The Avengers." Heck, even the original "Star Trek" shows I've barely seen but I can still get through the movies OK. I'm just judging what's given to me as a moviegoer. Maybe it is only made for people who watched the show, in which case, I get the feeling I would like the show even less. But sometimes half the fun is not knowing about it and being really confused. That's what made a lot of people enjoy the "Pokemon" review. Now, if I said the show sucked despite having never saw it, then I can understand getting angry. But when I openly acknowledge that I've never seen it, I just think it makes for funnier moments when I don't know what's going on. I also hear some people were angry that I was shocked that big names like Alec Baldwin and Peter Fonda were in this when big name George Carlin was on the original show. Well, Peter Fonda and Alec Baldwin, for the most part, were still doing big dramatic roles at that time. I love George Carlin but ... he was doing "Tarzan 2" and "Scary Movie 3." (Posters for said movies are shown briefly) NC: The shock value's kind of taken down a few notches after you do that. ... But he's still awesome! (An image of George Carlin is shown with the subtitle "Fuck Yeah!" below him) Background Singers (from "Team America: World Police"): FUCK YEAH! NC: (leans his ear to the camera) What were those words again? George Carlin: Shit, piss, cunt, fuck, cocksucker, motherfucker, tits, fart, turd, and twat. NC: Now if that was in "Thomas the Tank Engine," I would probably like it. (Interlude to the next entry) NC (vo): Number 8 Douchy (vo): Pee-Wee's floor DID talk in "Pee-Wee's Playhouse." NC (vo): Yes, in another Top 11 List, "The Top 11 Nostalgic Mindfucks," I say that the intro to Pee-Wee's Playhouse is in fact a nostalgic mindfuck. However, I say at one point that the only thing that never talked on this show was the floor. Well, I was wrong. Apparently, even the floor got up to say a few lines every once in a while. In fact, he even had a name. His name was Floory, and I swear, I don't know how I forgot him. NC: Now because of this, a lot of people have been accusing me of being an Anti-Ground-ite. Well, let me tell you something. I have nothing against hard-working floors! (Images of different wooden floors are shown) NC (vo): Sure, they're taken for granted. Sure, we walk over them all the time, but that doesn't mean they don't have feelings too! NC: Many of my good friends are floors. (He guestures to the floor beside him) In fact, I have a good strong relationship with my floor right here. (He looks down on the floor) Isn't that right, Howard. (A gunshot from floor is shown with NC ducking for cover; confused, he sits up to speak) Apparently, floors can fire guns. ... I-I did not know that. (Beat, then looks down on the floor) How are you holding that thing, anyway? (A gunshot is fired, and he ducks for cover again) (Interlude to the next entry) NC (vo): Number 7 Douchy (vo): Soran couldn't fly into the Nexus because his ship would explode. CLOD! NC (vo): In my "Star Trek: Generations" review, I ask why the villain Soran couldn't just buy a ship and fly it into the Nexus. Past NC (vo): Couldn't you just save up your money and be like... Past NC (vo): (as Soran) "Shuttle, please. (a "Ka-ching!" is heard before we cut to footage of the Nexus with NC's animated shuttle flying into it) My God, that was easy. Hello, Nexus. How are you? Nyyaaah." NC (vo): Well, actually, there is a line that explains why. Picard: Why doesn't he just fly into it with a ship? Data: Our records show that every ship which has approached the ribbon has either been destroyed or severely damaged. NC (vo): OK, so a ship can't fly into it. But, still, aren't there other creative ways you could've pulled this off? Like, aren't there still spacesuits in the future? If he knows where it's going, can't he just work his way out there and wait for it to hit him, and then the ship behind him would be destroyed? Hell, they still have beaming devices! Can't they just beam him in a spacesuit out to the Nexus and then let it hit him? There just has to be easier ways! But, nevertheless, my theory of flying a ship into the Nexus technically doesn't work. Now, I know what you're thinking: "Aren't there one or two other screw-ups in your 'Star Trek: Insurrection' review?" NC: Ahem. (He points upward to make a cue) Linkara: There's a commentary. Boom! (He points upward to show the link above him) Go listen to it. Sorry about some of the audio issues. (NC flicks a hand at the camera) (Interlude to the next entry) NC (vo): Number 6 Douchy (vo): Dunston's an ape, not a monkey! NC (voiceover): As you can probably tell right now, I’m not exactly an animal expert. I can’t tell a cheetah from a leopard, and I can’t tell a monkey from an ape; an orangutan, to be more specific. But to be honest, “monkey” sounds funnier. I don’t care if it’s wrong; I’ll still call him a monkey! I mean, think about it. Imagine if “Planet of the Apes” was replaced by “Planet of the Monkeys.” (A brief Photoshopped image of the word “Monkeys” over the word “Apes” in the movie title for the poster of “Planet of the Apes” is shown) Wouldn’t you be laughing your ass off at that title? Or imagine if the Monkees were called The Apes. (A Photoshopped image of one of The Monkees’ albums with the word “Apes” over “Monkees” is shown) That’s not nearly as likeable. NC: Whatever he is, HE’S STILL NOT FUNNY! NC (voiceover): Sometimes the choice of words determine whether or not you get a laugh. “Lettuce,” for example, is not funny. “Cabbage” is freakin’ hilarious. (The captions “Lettuce=Not Funny” and “Cabbage=Hilarious!” are shown) NC: Watch. (He lays out his left hand) Lettuce. (Beat, then lays out his right hand) Cabbage. (Audience laughter is heard in the background) Fuckin’ funny. NC (voiceover): And I know that monkeys and apes technically aren’t the same thing, but again… NC: (lays out his left hand) Lettuce. (Beat, then lays out his right hand) Cabbage. (Audience laughter is heard in the background; he laughs) Always works. NC (voiceover): Pretty basic. He’s not a monkey. Next one. (Interlude to the next entry) NC (Voiceover): Number 5. DM (voiceover): Tapping on the windows can hurt whales, you insensitive prick-cock! NC (voiceover): Yeah, I’m finding out so much about animals today. In my “Free Willy” review, I point out that I don’t really see the major problem of kids banging on the window of a whale’s pen. But it turns out because their sound is amplified, not only does it sound louder, but they can also interpret it as danger. It can cause stress, lower their immune system, and even kill them. Wow, where the hell was the whale lady on that one! I mean, like, she was one of the caretakers, wasn’t she? Shouldn’t there be a sign “Don’t Hit The Glass Like Little Idiots”? (Such an illustrated sign is shown on the glass in the movie footage) I mean, I didn’t know this! What makes something that little kids would? Shouldn’t there be a person down there or something, making sure that people don’t do this? I mean, kids do all sorts of stupid things; they watch this, for crying out loud! (The DVD cover for “Fred: The Movie” is shown briefly) But again, I can’t blame the movie technically for this mistake. It’s still my own. DM: (speaks as Yoda) That…is why you fail. NC: Oh, come on, you didn’t know that! DM: (folds his arms) Didn’t I, though? Didn’t I? NC: (Beat) No. DM: Well, you’re on the Internet, and as we all know, all information from the Internet is supposed to be right! NC: You know, Douchey, it just hit me; Why don’t you come onboard as a fact checker? DM: NO! NC: Why not? DM: (simultaneously, shouts) Because then I couldn’t complain about it! NC: (simultaneously, sounding bored) Because then I couldn’t complain about it. DM: D’OOOOOOH! NC: Next scene. (Interlude to the next entry) NC (voiceover): Number 4. DM (voiceover): That’s a pan, not a pot, you stupid…stupid! NC (voiceover): So, on top of knowing little about animals, apparently, I know little about cookware as well. In my “Gordy” review, I referred to a pan as being a pot. Honestly, I just always assumed they were kind of the same thing. But nope! One has a handle, the other doesn’t. Pretty basic, and I’m aware I should know better. (He whispers as footage from the TV show “Hell’s Kitchen” is shown) Just don’t let Gordon Ramsay know I did this. Gordon Ramsay (from “Hell’s Kitchen”): Oh, (bleep) no. Oh, come on. NC (voiceover): I’m sure a lot of this comes from spending less time in the kitchen and more time eating sugar frosted burrito-stuffed hot pockets. DM: Oh, I love those! With the extra lard on the side? (Speaks simultaneously with NC) And the delicious crumbled up things ever! NC: (simultaneously) Yeah, I know! And the creamy buttery tastes for real liposuctions. DM: And the side of oil found in most suntan lotions? NC: Those are the best. DM: They are the best! NC: I love them. DM: I love them, too—I MEAN, OOOOOOOOH! How dare we almost find something in common! NC (voiceover): Nothing too much to say about this one except, honestly, I just need to spend more time around the stove. Well, maybe not too much. (Footage of NC approaching a stove and using a hammer to pound on it once before the stove explodes in a fireball is shown) (Interlude to the next entry) NC (voiceover): Number 3. DM (voiceover): Your Let’s Play of “Bart’s Nightmare.” Need I say more? NC (voiceover): Okay, a lot of people I’m sure want to see this as Number 1. But really, when you get down to it, nothing technically or factually is wrong here. It just turned out to be a really bad video. But, with that said…yeah, it’s a pretty bad video. I guess I was just too behind on the times of how Let’s Plays work and what’s appropriate to put in them, and boy, does it show. This is up there with MelvinBrother of the Joker as one of my biggest bombs. It’s easily one of the most despised videos because I don’t give the Let’s Play the proper time and respect it deserves. Now, to be fair, that was sort of part of the joke. Tackling something that I thought was more simple, but it turns out is more difficult than I thought. Unfortunately, though, the punchline just didn’t play out. People got real tired real fast, and it’s still considered to be one of the worst Nostalgia Critics. I even had to spend half of my next review just apologizing for it. Now that’s gotta be bad! But really, guys, don’t worry; I know you’re gonna love my Let’s Play of “Luigi’s Mansion”! (A poster for mentioned video game is shown) (A tommy gun is fired from off-screen, and NC ducks for cover) NC: ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT! NEVER AGAIN! (Interlude to the next entry) NC (voiceover): Number 2. DM (voiceover): Bella didn’t want to marry Edward in “Twilight,” you war-whore! NC (voiceover): Yes, when I put Bella in my Top 11 Dumbasses in Distress, I brought up that—among her other faults—she was pressuring Edward into marriage. Actually, I got it the other way around. It was Edward who was pressuring HER into marriage, because really, ladies, isn’t that a common problem? Men pressuring you into marriage? Gah, we’re just so obsessed with commitment! I guess I got confused by the fact that she was pleading him to turn her into a vampire, which, from the sounds of it, is a much bigger and even dangerous commitment! So I figured marriage after asking that wouldn’t be such a big deal, but nope. Apparently, living her life as a blood-sucking beast of the night for the rest of her life, she’s absolutely sure about. But being legally bound together? (He sarcastically chuckles as he speaks) That’s obviously the much bigger issue that takes a lot more time. And don’t get me wrong; it is a big issue, and it does take time, but she just hears the word “vampire,” she’s like, “I’M IN! I’M IN!” Oh, well. Whoever’s idea it was, it still makes both of them look like jackasses. But still, fess up when you mess up. It was Edward who wanted to get married, not Bella. I guess that means we can like her now, right? (Long pause) (Interlude to the next and final entry) NC (voiceover): And the Number 1 Nostalgia Critic Fuckup: Part 3 is… DM (voiceover): Your complete misunderstanding of the planet Psychlo! NC (voiceover): This one I get a ton of emails about. And to be honest, I can see why. In my “Battlefield Earth” review, I mention how it seems incredibly unlikely that an explosion wouldn’t happen on their planet to set off an atmosphere that was radioactive, especially seeing how violent they were. But actually, the air was a reactive gas, not radiation. Nuclear radiation is what set it off. And the explosion isn’t just an explosion; it’s a nuclear explosion, which I guess they’re building up that the Psychlos never came across or tested out. We even reference this in my “Star Trek: Insurrection” review. Linkara (from the “Star Trek: Insurrection” review): It was that the air they breathe reacting violently to radiation! NC (voiceover): It’s ironic, because this brought on one of my biggest outbursts. NC (from the “Battlefield Earth” review): THIS IS STUPID! STUPID, STUPID, (starts yelling at a faster and higher pitch and runs around the screen) STUPID, STUPID, STUPID, STUPID, STUPID, STUPID, STUPID, STUPID, STUPID, STUPID, STUPID, STUPID, STUPID, STUPID! STUPIIIID!! STUPIID!! NC (voiceover): But in reality, it actually wasn’t called for. NC: So the facts about why the planet really blew up are actually, for the most part, totally legitimate. (Beat) But I still must ask. NC (voiceover): How can an advanced weapon-savvy violent race not have come up with nuclear fusion? Again, these things are apparently so advanced and so goddamn violent happy, that you know they would’ve come up with something that can be as harmful as nuclear fusion! These guys look for anything destructive, anything hazardous! And yet somehow, we, the more peaceful planet, came up with nuclear fusion and they didn’t?! NC: I’m sorry! I still have a hard time believing it! It’s just…stupid! (He starts pounding on his desk in fury) STUPID, STUPID! (His voice becomes higher-pitched and sounds faster as he suddenly becomes very hyperactive and shouts random obscenities) DM: Forget it, Nostalgia Critic! You can’t argue your way out of… (NC continues yelling his head off) N-Nostalgia Critic? (NC runs around the screen acting crazy and continuing to spout more indecipherable obscenities) DM: Wow, this…movie did a number on you, didn’t it? (NC continues yelling obscenities and punches his chair at one point) DM: You know what? I’m just gonna leave him in his place. Uh, he’s the Nostalgia Critic. He remembers it so you don’t have to. (Beat) Pray for him. (Fade to black as NC continues his outburst) THE END Channel Awesome Tagline—(NC yelling his head off)